Jul 31st, 2012
B.A.D Horror(!)Scopes – August, 2012
Aries (March 21st – how long it takes to boil an egg)
You’ve been feeling an increasing need to smack a loved one upside the head. When you do attempt to fulfill this desire, make sure you have an alibi and some fool ready to take the fall for you. For the right price we are willing to lend you our top B.A.D Scapegoat if you wish.
Taurus (August 20th – next Wednesday)
This month you will get rejected from the Hogwarts School of Magic and Tomfoolery. Don’t despair! The B.A.D School for the Failed Arts will be more than willing to take you in. Our graduates include a long list of failed magicians including David Plain, the old lady from Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Chris Fatal the All-Round Freak.
Gemini (May 21st – let’s think about this…)
This month you will discover the secret to happiness and here it is: avoid assholes! This will only work however if you are not an asshole yourself. Good luck buddy!
Cancer (June 21st – well if you don’t know should you be reading this?)
You are a wonderful person who can bring an incredible amount of joy to people. Unfortunately none of these people are here with us on Earth. The people of Earth tend to mistake your kindness for weakness. Best to kick them where it hurts rather than to be treated like a fool.
Leo (July 23rd- Forever)
If you are alive, you might or not might enjoy a birthday this month. Your friends will be incredibly generous this year. They will arrange a big birthday bash in your honor but will forget to invite you. Try to forgive them their trespasses. After all, you have been stealing all of their birthday gifts throughout your entire life!
Virgo (August 23rd – I don’t know…)
You will be making a very special visit to the cinema this month with someone who will soon become quite unforgettable. The 3D special effects will sadly be too much for your bladder and you will end up making a horrible mistake. Your new nick name “Pipi Susu”, given to you by your date, will give you and your psychotherapist much to talk about in the years to come.
Libra (September 23rd – the time takes for an ice cube melts slowly)
You will be inspired by the Olympics this month and will end up joining the local swim team. Unfortunately they specialize in synchronized swimming and the only slot available is for the mascot. On the plus side you will look adorable in your new dolphin costume and as long as you don’t free Willy, you’ll be a great hit!
Scorpio (October 23rd – the ending of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy)
This month you will keep the dream alive by sleeping throughout most of it. People will begin to worry but fear not, your great epiphany is on its way!
Sagittarius (November 22nd – next Tuesday)
Julia Roberts will appear to you in a vision this month and demand that you give her your last donut! Do not give in! She can buy her own damn Donuts! You should probably also think about cutting back on the hallucinogens.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
You will win a lot of money at Poker this month. Unfortunately, since gambling is a sin your soul will go to hell. It would be best for you to forward your winnings to us at B.A.D Magazine. We have already resigned ourselves to our fate and are working on arrangements for a nice little torture cell overlooking the lakes of fire.
Aquarius (January 29th – your boss tells you)
A fish will jump out of the ocean a slap you across your face this month. You should think about what you might have done to deserve that. Don’t worry! We are still proud of you. You must have been very B.A.D indeed!
Pisces (February 19th – a blue moon)
Your teacher is planning a surprise test for your class this month. Judging from your track record at school, it will probably surprise you the most. If all else fails you can always work for us at B.A.D. The pay might not be great, and the work isn’t good but at least there won’t be any surprises!
Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980
Apr 1st, 2012
B.A.D Horror(!)Scopes – April, 2012
Aries (March 21st – I’ll never tell…)
For those of you expecting to find all your furniture in place when you get home – be prepared to be sorely disappointed. Father Christmas is confiscating all your belongings this month because you have obviously been very bad. But don’t worry – as a special reward, we are giving you this month’s unpublished and free copy of B.A.D Magazine! Laugh through your poverty my friend! We do.
Taurus (August 20th – who knows these things)
Last month’s warning about Spaniards being out to get you was obviously wrong and our B.A.D Astronomers apologize sincerely for the misinformation. This month, however, they really will get you so good luck buddy!
Gemini (May 21st – hmmm…)
Close friends and relatives will shower you with gifts and candy. Apparently someone started a rumor about you winning the lottery and it is best to just go with it. It’s also a good time to borrow large sums of money from your friends who are silly enough to believe that you are good for it.
Cancer (June 21st – well, well, well…)
Aliens will attack your house this month. We would offer you B.A.D Magazine’s headquarters as a hideaway but they will probably find you here and the truth is that we really aren’t that heroic. Good luck buddy! We are all rooting for you especially since next month you will be winning the lottery and we want to be your friend when that happens.
Leo (July something – You oughtta know)
This month an enchanted toad will ask you to kiss it on the lips so that it may transform itself into the most beautiful member of the British royal family. Try not to oblige if you can help it. There’s a warrant out for its arrest in four separate states.
Virgo (August 23rd – next Tuesday)
Each and every dream you’ve ever had will all come true this month. Unfortunately, they won’t be coming true for you but instead for a very content fat cat named Donald Trump. Next month all your luck will go to Angelina Jolie.
Libra (September 23rd – a month from Sunday)
Watch what you eat this month. Due to the complete absence of any rodent or insect life on the premises, the deli you frequent has passed its sanitation inspection. That could of course only mean one thing: they’ve been cooking them! Even the rats in our B.A.D Magazine cafeteria are alive and well and running about freely. That’s how we know they aren’t in the food!
Scorpio (October 23rd – yesterday)
You will have no luck in love this week unless you wish to pay for it either financially or emotionally. We recommend that you opt for the latter, regardless of what Mr. Charlie Sheen has to say on the topic. No matter how much you are hurting, you’ll be more comfortable crying in a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren than on the street somewhere without a penny to your name!
Sagittarius (November 22nd – your granny’s birthday)
Skeletor will appear to you in a vision this month. He’s only looking to borrow money so don’t entertain him at all. Your colleagues from work also have similar intentions so it’s best to ask them for money before they get the chance to ask you for it.
Capricorn (December 22nd – the time it takes you to boil an egg)
Family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free.
Aquarius (January 29th – twenty minutes ago)
Try not to wander of naked in the park while carrying all your bank savings this month. Also avoiding steaming rice in the shower and boiling lobsters in the kettle. In fact perhaps it’s best for you to hire professional help for all your other domestic duties. All you need to concern yourself with is running the country and balancing the budget. Good luck Mr. President! We are all rooting for you!
Pisces (February 19th – now)
You will find an extra twenty in your wallet this month. It’s not yours and if you spend it bad things will happen to you. It would be best if you returned it to us at B.A.D Magazine.
Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980
Feb 23rd, 2012
Horror(!)Scopes – March 2012
Aries (March 21st – Till your Birthday)
You’ve been letting your anger get the better of you lately. You must learn to forgive your enemies. Nothing will annoy them more.
Taurus (August 20th – Can you repeat the question?)
B.A.D Astrologers advise all Bulls to avoid Spaniards this month. If you happen to be Spanish, avoid other Spaniards. Ignore them if they start taunting you with their red underpants.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
Your friends are planning an intervention. Your love for world domination is really beginning to weird everyone out. You really must learn to take time off from your day job to relax a bit.
Cancer (June 21st – Well, if you don’t know, you really shouldn’t be reading this section!)
You will be asked to mediate an argument about the sexual orientation of dolphins. Walk away slowly from the bickering to a happier place as soon as one presents itself.
Leo (July something – August Hmm…)
Beware of friendly looking dogs this month. Our sources tell us they’ve been conspiring against you. Also avoid pink pillows that wink in the dark and chairs that appear to mock you as you walk by.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Your neighbor is beginning to realize that you have been spying on him. It’s best to remove all the surveillance equipment perched over the wall. Deny that you ever had a neighbor if the police come to question you.
Libra (September 23rd – Last Tuesday)
Your friends have been secretly planning a surprise birthday bash for you. They are all idiots who seem to think that you were born in February. Don’t burst their bubble! Play along till after the gifts are handed over before letting them know how retarded they truly are.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
You did something very naughty last week. We know what it is but don’t worry – we won’t tell anyone – as long as you do it again this week!
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
This will be an extremely lucky month for you! You will find a million dollars in unmarked bills under a bridge, hidden away in a garbage bag. What you are doing going through other people’s trash is anybody’s guess. You should consider the money a gift from God and spend it all on buying the world’s largest Rubik’s Cube. Next month will not prove as fortunate, as you will have to relocate several times before opting for police protection!
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
Today you will bring about the downfall of an empire. It’s all in a day’s work for someone with your talent to turn a bad situation into an impossible one. Expect to spend the evening rubbing your hands with soap and glee.
Aquarius (January 29th – February 18th)
Your sense of humor will get you into trouble once again this month. The only way to avoid being lynched is to gag yourself effectively and to count sheep until the urge to speak passes.
Pisces (February 19th – Not Really Sure)
Aliens will abduct you this month but have no fear – with your abilities you’ll probably end up probing them instead. Be prepared to go where no man has wanted to go before!
Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980
Reza Sultan is a poet, singer and songwriter and tweets lyrically under the handle @Reza_Sultan
Copyright © 2013 BAD Magazine.
Designed by 
