Aug 29th, 2012
Santa in Deep POOPITER!
It is officially 17 weeks until Christmas and Santa Claus is already in trouble with the authorities once again! After serving a sentence of 7 months in prison on charges of Breaking and Entering, he was released earlier this week only to find himself in yet another legal battle. This time he has been accused of willfully endangering the lives of toddlers everywhere as a result of his new economy line of toys.
“After my arrest last Christmas I was virtually penniless. I had to improvise on all of my toy designs or else I would have had to shut down my factory altogether! Do you know how dangerous an army of unemployed angry elves can be?” questioned the frantic fatty in court earlier this morning.
The new line consists of toys such as the PokaYou, which is simply a long wooden stick; the Bag’O Glass, a large bag containing broken shards of glass and the DIY Swiss Army Knife, a collection of knives and other sharp tools along with a bottle of industrial glue. In fact the safest toy listed in Santa’s inventory is the Invisible Cloak which is merely a large box containing nothing.
The People’s Organization for Ordinary Play Items, Toys and Eccentric Rubbish, commonly known as POOPITER, has vowed to stop Santa from distributing these dangerous items to children everywhere. They are suing Santa for a quarter of a million dollars in damages and are pushing for legal action against his Royal Jelly Bellyness. In his defense, the Union for Santa, Tinkerbelle, Intentionally Nutty Kids and Imaginary People’s Organized Organizations, a lobby group better known as USTINKIPOO, has stepped forward to provide Santa with the necessary support. In a press conference, held earlier this afternoon, Santa stated: “It is heartwarming to know that USTINKIPOOs are always there for me!”
Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980
Jun 10th, 2012
INDIA CLAIMS BATMAN!
The latest Indian claim is that Christian Bale is an imposter. The one and only true BATMAN is none other than their beloved SACHIN TENDULKAR. After all he is the only BATSMAN who has scored a century of centuries in One Day and Test Cricket and no one else in the world will ever equal his record.
When asked by B.A.D correspondents why then does he not wear his mask and cape, the answer was that the ICC – Cricket’s governing body – does not allow a breach of uniform. Off the field, however, Sachin is often seen driving his Batmobile on the streets of Bombay or saving the Indian Metropolis from local warlords and international conspiracies.
To further cement Indian claims, he has now been inducted into the Indian Parliament and will expand his clandestine operations to a national level.
Sir Donald Bradman of Australia and Brian Lara of the West Indies also harbored similar ambitions. Both slept in a Batman outfit and dreamt of rescuing all sorts of maidens in distress – not to be confused with playing ‘maiden’ overs. Alas, neither the Australians nor the West Indian Authorities backed their claims and left the field open for the Indians to enter the cricketing books with yet another first.
The Indians, B.A.D Correspondents were told, are also looking for a local Superman. In close contention are Shahrukh Khan and Kareena Kapoor. The latter, they were told, has been masquerading as a girl just so her real identity is kept secret.
B.A.D Correspondent
Jun 3rd, 2012
Pooh Hits A Fan!
Winnie the Pooh was severely reprimanded by authorities last night after allegedly kicking a fan in the face. The fan claimed to be in love with Pooh and merely wanted an autograph from his childhood idol. Pooh, who was exiting a seedy downtown nightclub, was in a particularly foul mood. According to witnesses, he first shoved the fan to the ground and then kicked him in the face, all the while shouting “Where’s my honey Asshole? My love ‘aint for free!” Shocked bystanders claimed they had never seen anything as disturbing as what they witnessed that night.
This was not the first time Pooh hit a fan. In fact Pooh has been hitting fans all across the nation according to sources. The on-screen lovable Pooh Bear has long fought with deep rooted anger management issues. Christopher Robin also claims to have suffered years of abuse at the hands of his television costar. “I worked as a lighting assistant for Christian Bale once and even that was nothing compared to the crap we took from Pooh everyday. How do you think Eeyore’s tail kept getting dismembered?” Robin said while testifying in court earlier today. Piglet refused to comment in fear of further enraging the already inflamed Pooh.
The judge presiding over the case was not pleased to see Pooh in his chambers. He issued a swift ruling of 500 hours of social service and a grievance fee of $100,000 to be payable to the plaintiff. But will this stop Pooh from hitting anymore fans? As usual the Agency for BAD Celebrity Disasters (ABCDs) will keep you posted on all further developments!
Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980
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