May 13th, 2012

Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em!

This mother’s day, B.A.D Magazine wishes to pay special tribute to the world’s all-time B.A.Dest moms! Even the cruelest of tyrants were once innocent babes in their doting mothers’ arms. Today we would like to acknowledge these historic mothers for putting up with their terrifying offspring and in spite of their better judgment continued to smother them with love instead of pillows as they slept. Here are B.A.D Magazine’s Nominations for the B.A.Dest Mother Award – a true testament to a mother’s inability to smack her child upside the head! Your votes will decide the winner, to be announced at an undisclosed time and location in a befitting ceremony.

1) Hitler’s Mother – It must have taken a heart of gold and a brain made of bonze to love a kid like Hitler. Klara Pölzl of Weitra, Austria married her ‘uncle’ and had six children from the union. Only two survived past the age of 6.  Judging from the nature of her most prominent offspring, one can only wonder how charming her other sons would have been had they matured into adulthood! The fact that the only son to survive Klara turned out to be a mass murdering psychopath, is probably just one more reason to believe that it’s never really a good idea to inbreed. Klara died of breast cancer when Hitler was 18 and for the love of his mother, the only Jew Hitler ever allowed to immigrate to the United States from Austria, was the man who had been her doctor.

2) Genghis Khan’s Mother – Hoelun claimed her son was born with a blood clot clutched in one of his hands. She rejoiced believing this was the sign of a great leader. B.A.D Journalists believe this was the sign of a truly disturbed child attempting rip her insides out from a very early age indeed! She still loved him, as only a mother could, in spite of his snippy attitude towards his siblings and his overtly gangster approach to life. After the death of her husband, a tribal chief who had abducted her from a neighboring village, the tribe exiled her along with her children. She struggled as a single parent, hunting and foraging to provide food for the little tyrant even though he was destined to rape, pillage and murder half the human race!

3)  Joseph Kony’s Mother – Mrs. Nora Obol deserves a brave round of applause for rearing a self-proclaimed spokesman for God and a fine spirit medium indeed, not to mention a brilliant murderer making him the most sought after international war criminal of present times. One can only imagine the terrifying delight little Kony must have been as a child and the horrifying joy he must have brought his mother. In spite of his many naughty habits she continues to love him to death and that is the kind of irrational behavior one can only expect from a mother!

If you care to vote for anyone of these mothers, or propose new candidates – including your own mother – as the B.A.Dest Mother of All-Time, then call or write to your local B.A.D Representative today. In the process you might also wish to make an appointment with your psychiatrist!

Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980