Oct 8th, 2013

ROOSTER

 

There was a time I thought you were my friend
You’d come by my window and crow away
But then you got down to business at your end
When I got you a harem
To pass your day!

Perhaps doing you a good turn was a mistake
As you never looked back to see if I was there
Having gotten down to being a thorough rake
You were no longer bothered
How I would fare!

But then disaster struck and it was game over –
When all the hens died from some unforgiving flu
And you were back defying the lawn mower,
Begging my forgiveness as if
Justice was due!

Trust me, I am a new man now and do not care
If you or some other upstart knocks on my door
Once you could not the sight of me bear
And now you come crawling
On my floor!

Suffice it that I will get you some more chicks -
But more because I can’t do without farm eggs
So dear ex-friend if this new arrangement clicks
I’m here for you – otherwise I’ll
Roast your legs!

A Father and Son Joint Venture:
Raja Changez Sultan is an internationally recognized poet and painter. His work can be seen on facebook.
Reza Sultan is a poet, singer and songwriter and tweets lyrically under the handle @Reza_Sultan
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Aug 29th, 2012

Santa in Deep POOPITER!

It is officially 17 weeks until Christmas and Santa Claus is already in trouble with the authorities once again! After serving a sentence of 7 months in prison on charges of Breaking and Entering, he was released earlier this week only to find himself in yet another legal battle. This time he has been accused of willfully endangering the lives of toddlers everywhere as a result of his new economy line of toys.

“After my arrest last Christmas I was virtually penniless. I had to improvise on all of my toy designs or else I would have had to shut down my factory altogether! Do you know how dangerous an army of unemployed angry elves can be?” questioned the frantic fatty in court earlier this morning.

The new line consists of toys such as the PokaYou, which is simply a long wooden stick; the Bag’O Glass, a large bag containing broken shards of glass and the DIY Swiss Army Knife, a collection of knives and other sharp tools along with a bottle of industrial glue. In fact the safest toy listed in Santa’s inventory is the Invisible Cloak which is merely a large box containing nothing.

The People’s Organization for Ordinary Play Items, Toys and Eccentric Rubbish, commonly known as POOPITER, has vowed to stop Santa from distributing these dangerous items to children everywhere. They are suing Santa for a quarter of a million dollars in damages and are pushing for legal action against his Royal Jelly Bellyness. In his defense, the Union for Santa, Tinkerbelle, Intentionally Nutty Kids and Imaginary People’s Organized Organizations, a lobby group better known as USTINKIPOO, has stepped forward to provide Santa with the necessary support. In a press conference, held earlier this afternoon, Santa stated: “It is heartwarming to know that USTINKIPOOs are always there for me!”

Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980

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Jul 31st, 2012

B.A.D Horror(!)Scopes – August, 2012

Aries (March 21st – how long it takes to boil an egg)
You’ve been feeling an increasing need to smack a loved one upside the head. When you do attempt to fulfill this desire, make sure you have an alibi and some fool ready to take the fall for you. For the right price we are willing to lend you our top B.A.D Scapegoat if you wish.

Taurus (August 20th – next Wednesday)
This month you will get rejected from the Hogwarts School of Magic and Tomfoolery. Don’t despair! The B.A.D School for the Failed Arts will be more than willing to take you in. Our graduates include a long list of failed magicians including David Plain, the old lady from Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Chris Fatal the All-Round Freak.

Gemini (May 21st – let’s think about this…)
This month you will discover the secret to happiness and here it is: avoid assholes! This will only work however if you are not an asshole yourself. Good luck buddy!

Cancer (June 21st – well if you don’t know should you be reading this?)
You are a wonderful person who can bring an incredible amount of joy to people. Unfortunately none of these people are here with us on Earth. The people of Earth tend to mistake your kindness for weakness. Best to kick them where it hurts rather than to be treated like a fool.

Leo (July 23rd- Forever)
If you are alive, you might or not might enjoy a birthday this month. Your friends will be incredibly generous this year. They will arrange a big birthday bash in your honor but will forget to invite you. Try to forgive them their trespasses. After all, you have been stealing all of their birthday gifts throughout your entire life!

Virgo (August 23rd – I don’t know…)
You will be making a very special visit to the cinema this month with someone who will soon become quite unforgettable. The 3D special effects will sadly be too much for your bladder and you will end up making a horrible mistake. Your new nick name “Pipi Susu”, given to you by your date,  will give you and your psychotherapist much to talk about in the years to come.

Libra (September 23rd – the time takes for an ice cube melts slowly)
You will be inspired by the Olympics this month and will end up joining the local swim team. Unfortunately they specialize in synchronized swimming and the only slot available is for the mascot. On the plus side you will look adorable in your new dolphin costume and as long as you don’t free Willy, you’ll be a great hit!

Scorpio (October 23rd – the ending of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy)
This month you will keep the dream alive by sleeping throughout most of it. People will begin to worry but fear not, your great epiphany is on its way!

Sagittarius (November 22nd – next Tuesday)
Julia Roberts will appear to you in a vision this month and demand that you give her your last donut! Do not give in! She can buy her own damn Donuts!  You should probably also think about cutting back on the hallucinogens.

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
You will win a lot of money at Poker this month. Unfortunately, since gambling is a sin your soul will go to hell. It would be best for you to forward your winnings to us at B.A.D Magazine. We have already resigned ourselves to our fate and are working on arrangements for a nice little torture cell overlooking the lakes of fire.

Aquarius (January 29th – your boss tells you)
A fish will jump out of the ocean a slap you across your face this month. You should think about what you might have done to deserve that. Don’t worry! We are still proud of you. You must have been very B.A.D indeed!

Pisces (February 19th – a blue moon)
Your teacher is planning a surprise test for your class this month. Judging from your track record at school, it will probably surprise you the most. If all else fails you can always work for us at B.A.D. The pay might not be great, and the work isn’t good but at least there won’t be any surprises!

Sara Sultan is a painter and writer who can be found tweeting @SaraSultan1980

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